Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
