thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
