I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
