I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
