My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
do nipples grow back?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
