today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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