Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
