I cannot find my penis.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
