my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
