just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
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