Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
