So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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