please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
