He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
