Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
