so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
