you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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