I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
