please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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