my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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