I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
