Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
