YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
