there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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