My sheets look like a crime scene.
Please, let me fuck your mom
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
