that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
