New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
