there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm bleeding and have questions
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
