I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
