Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
