Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
