They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
