I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
