Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
