Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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