I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
