I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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