At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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