Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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