my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
