Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
