you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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