So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
