I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
