I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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