According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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