I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
