cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
