I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
