No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
